I find this passage of Scripture affirming because for all my efforts successful or not, it reminds me that there is a greater One who is in charge of it everything. It reminds me that the dreams of my heart that have come to fruition as well as the ones that have not, all of them lay in the hands of God. And if He sees fit, they will occur.
"The mere possession of speed, strength, wisdom, cleverness, and skill does not in itself guarantee success. We cannot bulldoze our way through life, " (J. Stafford Wright*). Wright goes on to say that there are proper times for each action and we must continue "to use our gifts in the light of what we think the future will bring."
As I watched the rains hit the ground, a thought occurred to me.
It is God who brings the rain, not I.
There is no way that Candice can make or force the clouds to rain, but it is only God, His power, plan and will. There is much comfort in that because I find myself continually frustrated by the "make it happen" push our world speaks. There are so many major things I'd like to achieve, but absolutely can't on my own. While I might be a catalyst, far be it from me to poof! bam! voilà! it's done! Granted there are plenty of things that poof, bam and voilà can pertain to... but when it involves others, their thoughts, decisions, and a team full of efforts, the notion of "make it happen" can and is very much out of my hands.
It has been a huge struggle to leave my dreams in the hands of God. I am really good at saying, "Ok, thanks for the surge of energy, I'm going to take it back and go try to get er' done." Swipe! There I go taking the dream again out of God's hands. Then there was the season I just left it there. It was peaceful until I got frustrated with that too. So on again and off again it has been. In His hands, out of His hands, back in His hands, back out. Ugh. Know the feeling?
I think we'd all admit waiting is INCREDIBLY HARD. Whenever I have to wait on something or someone, I get really fidgety. I can't just stand around waiting, I feel like I have to do something! So what do I do?
I find myself doing stupid stuff. Or I find myself depressed and saddened about the situation. Or I find myself being idle and in denial. Or I go try to make something happen on my own. But it's when I find myself doing the two things that will actually get me somewhere is when I find progress.
It's when I worship and prepare that I find peace. It's when I look to God and say, "here you go" that I can trust Him to take it and do something with it. I know that if it is meant to be He'll make it happen. I lay down my desires and trust in His. Then, I prepare. I seek where He wants me and work where I feel called. Typically, it's to go back to my drawing board and tighten the loose holes.
It's kind of like Noah preparing for the flood. It took the man 140 years to build the ark for an event that had never happened before. These people had never seen rain. So, picture this older gentlemen building and building for an event that no one has ever heard of. Can you imagine the ridicule? The disbelief? What about his own doubts, fears, struggles? These aren't mentioned in the Bible, but since he was technically human, it seems like he'd face some of these.
But what do we find? We find this aged man striving in his belief in God, worshiping by preparing; continually chipping away at the ark, building it one wood log at a time.
So, if you struggle with a dream and are at the end (or way beyond the end) of your rope, just lay your dream down upon God's altar and see what happens. Some dreams may end there. Some dreams may begin there. Either which way, there is an acceptance of what God wants over what you want. This exchange is key, for it is the difference in striving against a dead end, versus peacefully and joyfully progressing through life. Continue to worship and prepare one wood log at a time and see where He leads you.
For it is only God who brings the rain. It maybe different how you imagine, but if it is meant to happen, it will happen. Rest in this acceptance and find the peace to persevere.
I’ll cut right to the chase.There are certain issues that I don’t like to face head on--
or at all.But, when the issue
hoists itself right in front of you with no leaving in sight, the time has come. The issue must be dealt with.
I’ve finally come to the point where I have to take my
doggie, Nala, to the doctor.
Every
now and then, she gets this limp in her front left paw.She hasn’t sprained, broken or hurt
it.It’s just for some reason or
another, it affects her for a few days then passes.That’s not the case now.Her limp has now lasted for three weeks.I was hoping after two it would be gone,
which is the longest it would have ever been around.Last week, it looked like it was getting better.So we decided to give it one more
week.But it is still here.
Then, a few days ago, I discovered a mass on Nala’s back
left thigh.A mass?It just swelled out of nowhere.We reasoned that maybe it was a result of
Nala’s limp and the extra strain on her other legs.We hoped that would go away.It’s gone down, but it’s still there too.
So, I made the appointment.It was time.And I have to say, I’m nervous about the issue.I’m nervous of the cost.I’m nervous of the road ahead.I’m nervous for my poor Nala….
She’s such a sweet dog.Sometimes I call her “Mama Nala” for she loves to give her
big sister kisses, loves to cuddle up next to you and if you are sad, she knows
it.She is a caretaker. She’s the
type who just wants to sit in your lap and is completely content doing so. Ever
since the day I met her, that’s just how she was.
I also call her “My Little Shadow” because she walks alongside me everywhere. Many others have their own names for Nala, although, they are not so nice because they make fun of her for being shy and a chicken at times, especially when the Hispanic kitty took a swipe at her. Nala is also not your “hey look at me” pretty poster dog. But, for all the rumples on the outside, it’s the looks that she gives you that melt your heart. She loves to love and she loves well. For all of her, I just love her.
I think God sees us in the same way too.
“We love Him because He first loved us,” (1 John 4:19 NKJV).
"They will be my people and I will be their God," (Jeremiah 32:38, NIV).
“If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own.
As it is, you do not belong to the world,
but I have chosen youout of the world,” (John 15:19, NIV).
God loves us for all of our good and our bad; He loves our
pretty parts and even loves us in our ugly ones too.He loves our ugly because we are His.
Which brings me to our ugly sides.It seems that we are all ugly in many ways: inside, outside,
in our heads, in our hearts.All
of us have hurts, wounds, scars, shame.We all have moments of glorious victory from what drags us down, but
then somehow we find ourselves off the band wagon and back into the pit from
which God drug us.Low-points hit
us at the most unguarded moment, which is probably why they got us.My ugly recently got the better side of
me too.
After a heated argument, I found myself in a place I haven’t
been for years.I found myself
thinking things that I thought were long gone.I still feel remorse for things I said, did…
but especially, for what I thought about myself. I look back and wonder: how did I get back here?
It’s no secret that I’m a perfectionist.I’m a Type-A, overachiever,
over-responsible, detail and deadline driven firstborn that won’t let a ball
drop. When there is a problem, I over
analyze every statement, situation and solution. The key word here is: over.
So when it comes to blame, my perfectionist default setting is to over-blame
myself. A few years past, this destructive thinking near killed me.While I was continually taking on more than my fair share of the blame, another also played into this vortex by constantly heaping every bit of the wrong done in the relationship onto
me.As if that wasn’t enough, they
soon rejected and abandoned me.I
became incredibly stuck on this fault line that I “clearly” caused and pretty
much wanted to die. At the time, there was no way I could see through this spell-bounding
whirlwind of blame, for my perfectionistic perspective was playing every hand possible to make me believe that everything was, in fact,all my fault. Whew! Can you say dizzy? Those were some really hard times and it took the divine hand of God to pull me out.
I then diligently installed boundaries around
this thinking with hopes of never revisiting it again. And I didn't... for a very... long... while... But then, out of nowhere, SLAM! I got sucker punched. This type of thinking crouched right at my doorstep just waiting for that instant when I let my guard down. Then, BAM! BAM! BAM! Down the blame-perfectionaist spiral I go. AGH!!! I feel
like I’ve been sober for years, only to have fallen off the band wagon.My fall really hurt too. On one side of the matter, I’m really thankful that we can
never fall so far that we are out of the hands of grace.For God’s hands of grace are always there to lift us back up. Boy, do I ever need that! But on
another side, I’m starting to see that I’m almost no different than Nala with
her limp and mass.Looking at it from a figurative approach, I had to wonder if I am also walking on three legs with a growing mass??
An answer soon came in another conversation about Nala where my husband restated that Nala's mass is likely an inflammation due to her
over-compensation as she walks on three legs instead of four.Internally, I went: “Hm”.There is that word again: “over.”
Am I over-compensating? The puzzle piece fit quite nicely because by nature, I am also people pleaser. By trying to solve everyone else's blame by fixing myself, I spin my wheels over and over in my attempts to be perfect while completely denying the fact that perfectionism in myself is unattainable. I then go further in these futile attempts, getting so bogged down trying to get the world to be satisfied and
having matters settled.I just like
wrapping a bow on things and knowing the case is closed.
But, that’s not always life.Sometimes, it seldom is.Life is messy!Bows are ripped up!Debris
is everywhere!So, I’ve had to learn
that people pleasing can’t always happen. Perfectionism can't either. Furthermore, I can’t live and breathe for another to be pleased. I can't live to be perfect for them. I can't hoist their blame on me in hopes to make it all better. Linking my identity to pleasing the
world and being perfect is like signing up for the kiss of death.I just can’t do it. So, in my recent sucker punch of spell-bounding thoughts of perfectionistic blame and over-compensation, I muddled through much mire. But, then something happened as the Holy Spirit ushered in these words:
“What made you think this is all your fault anyway?”
Suddenly, the tornado inside stopped.It’s like the moment Christ calmed the raging waves and winds.Instantly,
there was a hush and all was still.
Those words continue to circulate through my mind. What started this mess anyway? Where in the world did I start thinking that everything was all my fault? I don't really know, but what I have surmised is that I'm limping around and it's high time that I walk.
This makes me wonder how often we all walk
around with three legs instead of four. (Well, it's really two legs since we are technically human, but you get my point.) Also like Nala, we’ve probably gotten really good at compensating the difference and probably have potentially forgotten what it is like to even have all our legs working. Because somehow, we've subconsciously made choices to over-compensate
so that we could avoid getting to the real issue.And it’s when something else occurs, like Nala’s mass, that the red
signal is thrown up and the issue blares with alarm to be addressed. Why do we do this?Maybe the pain at the time seems too tough to bear.Or maybe, we are nervous about the
costs, the road ahead, what it will do to the relationship.Or, in my case, could it be that the issue forces us
to realize that we are not perfect?
And bonus, not only does the issue force us to realize it,
but we are forced accept it.These
steps also involve forgiveness for oneself and if you have difficulty doing
this, welcome to the club.We
almost need a creed to help us cope.
In fact, let us make a creed now. How about trying this on
for size:
I can no longer walk around with a
limp like a pup on three legs.
I have to accept ownership for
what is actually my doing while refusing to heap everyone else’s
responsibilities on my back.
I have to accept that I am not
perfect, but I know the One who is.
I have to accept that I AM
HUMAN.This means there will be
mess-ups, blunders, catastrophic bad choices, blame and fault.
I have to address issues head on
and also forgive myself with the same grace God gives.
I must quit over analyzing and
over+whatever and move the heck on.
But even in my mistakes, I must remember that there is One who won’t leave me.
Let's say it together: We all make mistakes.We all mess up.Everyone is
at fault.Everyone falls short.Why? BECAUSE WE ARE ALL HUMAN!And the good news is… God is NOT!
So, no matter what the issue is, take action.Let us take our problem to the Great
Physician knowing that it is high time to take our dogs(or problem) to the
vet.Granted, the issue may not just
poof! go away.But in time, the
issue will progress.And at some point, we’ll
have to do our own deep dives into our soul and accept for ourselves that we
are not perfect, giving glory to God that He is and His mercy is new every morning, (Lamentations 3:22-23).
You're standing at the banks with the fish you just caught in your hand. You did it. It's a proud moment. But the fish, flops, this way and that fighting to get back to the wild. Evidently, slippery is still the fish's main style. Since you are the only thing keeping it from it's objective, you are going to be what it struggles against. That brings up a good point.
What about you? You were the one to toil and strive to catch this-exact-fish. It's yours. All yours. You spent the time; your labor and you have your plans. So what are ya gonna do?
If there is something I've learned the hard way, it's to cut my losses before they cut me. If I'm in a situation that is flopping all around (like the fish), then it's obvious, a choice of direction must be made.
If it's looking like the harder you try to maintain control over a situation, or something, and the more out of control things get, then it might be time to cut your losses and move on. Plainly said, if your fish is flopping like crazy, you may have to chalk it up to a catch and release type situation.
However, on another note, at some point, the fish will lose oxygen. It will die. But, it's whether the fish finagles free before it's impending death is the question. Will it make it back to the waters? Who knows how it will play out? But someone will lose; either it will be the fish or it will be you.
I liken this scenerio to a couple of situations that have happened to me. The first situation involved a relationship. It was rocky from the get-go and the more I tried to iron it out, say it would be ok, the pressures kept mounting and the fights kept erupting. The situation then backfired all over my face and I was blamed for everything. Looking at this from an aerial point of view, I see how this situation was like my fish. It needed to be let go way before I even realized it was time. My losses eventually cut me; not me cutting my losses. In fact, I think this fish never really was a fish, but rather a shark in disguise for it bit my hand as it flopped its way back from which it came. The whole thing almost killed me, but in the end, I thank God because that fish turned shark was no bueno.
The other situation involved my own thoughts from my own brain. I've been stewing on thoughts of how I've failed at this and that; how I haven't achieved what I've wanted in the timeframe I gave myself. For two years I've been back and forth around this mountain of self-deprication, shame, blame, depression; you name it, I've crossed around it several times. I've tried to justify it, see different perspectives and attempt many layers of band-aids to heal my self-inflicted wounds. But, nothing helped.
Until the other day. For the first time, I accepted my failures for myself. I accepted the fact that I didn't do what I wanted, for whatever the reason. I fessed up to God on the matter--for which He already knew-- and asked for the forgiveness He gave long ago, but just took me a century to accept.
In fact, it wasn't just accepting His forgiveness that really switched the leaf over. It was realizing that I was guilty BUT was also pardoned. It was the duality that finally congealed in my brain. While I was guilty of this matter, I was also pardoned because of Christ's blood shed for me. It's called: "Living by grace"; not by the law that I failed.
And finally, finally, the flopping fish in my heart died. It just stopped. All my obsessive, compulsive behavior, my irritability and short fuse with myself, my depressive mindset finally lifted and out of nowhere a piece of my soul felt resurrected. My fears of the future coming and the feelings that I've ran out of time have now ceased. Suddenly, I feel happy. It's like the new tooth waiting in the gums for the old tooth to leave. My happiness must have been waiting for me to release the fish.
And my well-being has felt good. So good.
So, if you have encountered a flopping fish in your life, take a minute to pause and reflect. Continue to try to assess what type of fish this is. Watch for it to reveal if it is indeed a fish or if it is a shark. You may not be able to see this for yourself (not many of us can), but ironically, others somehow can see it. If and when they speak into your life, save yourself by listening! If need be, you may have to act before your losses cut you.
If the fish is a series of destructive thinking, then isolate these thoughts and accept your losses for yourself. Fess them up to God. He already knows them anyway, so it's not like you're telling Him something new. Forgive yourself and realize the duality. Absorb like a breath of fresh air that even though you are guilty of whatever it is, you are also pardoned. Now, this doesn't give you the excuse to keep doing it--absolutely not! Because, now that you know, you are held even more accountable for it. But, what this does is set your captive heart free... it loosens out the old tooth so that the new one can come in.
So, if you're like me, it's likely you'll need to release your fish back into the wild; a catch and release type situation. Release it. Let your fish go and watch it swim away. But, have hope. There are other fish in the pond.
