I woke up this morning considering my long suffering struggle I've had since I've started writing this screenplay. It's been hard to make it happen. Closed doors. Dis-interest. People who make promises they don't keep. As anyone would, I've questioned weather this is supposed to happen or not. More importantly, I've often said that if this didn't become a film and I didn't do this, then I would feel like I've buried my talent and not done what I've been responsible to do.
This morning, something clicked and the thorn in my thinking has finally been pushed out. I'm only responsible to be obedient everyday to the the tasks God has given to me. I'm not responsible for "Making it happen". Who am I to fluff out my feathers and say "I can make it happen." Bull! (Or in Paul's day, "by no means"). Only God makes it happen.
But I knew that. I knew it would be God doing this not me. So why do I feel a sense of freedom from this weight I've felt? I think because I have no clue how it's all going to come together, but that's in God's hands, whatever happens. My responsibility is to be diligent to do what He has laid on my heart to do. I'm not responsible for making it rain, nor can I. What ever made me think I could?
Unfortunately, I believe us humans become supercharged when we sit in the driver's seat and see things come alive before our eyes. Then, we have this sense of depression when what our hands try to do something and it doesn't work out. It's summed up in a little word we call pride. I hate to admit it, but it's probably true.
I've come to a point in my life where I wonder is there only one purpose for me? Is there this life that I'm supposed to be living that hasn't come to fruition and is only in "Candice dreamworld"? I think after my lay-off from my job, and lack of being able to get my screenplay further than development, I've been hard pressed to figure out my purpose and what my hands are to do in this world.
I work incredibly hard on projects and seem to put that above everything. My parents round the clock work ethics are surely inherited, and that's not a bad thing. But it can be when your relationships suffer. Especially those closest to you.
We have gifts in this world and they are called our families, our spouses, our friends, our pets. "Where your treasure there is your heart also," and so in lays our time. Maybe we spend tons of time working.. for what? For our families, for ourselves, both? Work is our God given duty to do. But when we start taking that work for our own purposes, to bring satisfaction to ourselves, instead of being satisfied with Him alone... it's a different story.
Don't get me wrong. He's also blessed us with the satisfaction of our work... but it's because of what He does with it; how He's brought things together; and it's His gift of grace that we can even be satisfied in the work of our hands.
All this to say what? He alone makes us satisfied. He alone will bring what He has called together. He will make it happen. Our responsibility is to seek to glorify Him alone. Our responsibility is to be obedient everyday no matter what the outcome is or isn't. Whatever happens... He will do as He sees fit.
So, I thank God for the freedom to figure things out. To fail. To succeed. I thank God for the freedom to realize that I'm really not carrying this desire, because it's not. It's all Him and I can rest in that alone.
So, my task today? To make follow-up calls for the screenplay, finish edits and get my website chugging along.
Thanks for reading.
"20 Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, 21 being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised," Romans 4:20-21.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Day 6 v.2012
My winter season has been hard to weather. The storms have been fierce and cold causing me to re-evaluate goals, life and my heart towards it all.
I've been reading Ecclesates... befuddled at the route that I need to take for my mission and frustrated about the disappointments I've recently faced. I continue to feel that God has me on a different path and continues to call me on a different route. Why? I don't know. How is it going to happen? I don't know. But I set forth accepting my I don't know because I know He does.
Then it dawned on me. I felt God cultivating a new stream of thoughts as I felt Him saying: "Who was Moses when I called Him? How about Jacob? Joseph? Noah?" I've never thought about that. Did Moses have experience leading the Israelites through an Exodus? Did Joseph have experience leading others through a famine? Did Noah have experience building an ark and leading through the floods? How could he? It never rained before.
It's hitting me as I type that experience is valid, but it's not everything. Obedience, faithfulness... those are everything. Diligence is key. When one is called to do something, God makes it happen. I don't know how, nor am I probably supposed to. When one is called out, they are called to do something different. They may not have all their ducks in a row. They may not even have ducks. But they do have something else that God wants to use to show His glory, His power and ultimately... His love.
So now what? The quote "Prepare for rain" comes to mind. "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, body and strength" also resonates.
"If our God is for us, who can be against us?" So true. But, I'm realistic... I'm human. I'm looking at all the teachers and filmmakers who have walked this path before and see the structure, the path to go on. I want to do as they did because I hear that is the way. Yet, I'm remind. That's their path. That's not mine.
How long am I going to have a similar attitude as Moses did and say things like: "God, but...? I can't speak, I can't this..." before He's going to have to get an Aaron for me to do the talking? I'm looking at all the others and their routes, but I should be looking at God and following His way.
Listening to other's instructions is absolutely important. It would not be wise for me to ignore all the advice, coaching and wisdom I've been blessed to receive. I'm thankful God gave me all of the lessons. I heed their wisdom and am so thankful for the investment of their time and energy. But, I feel that I must use their instruction differently and set out on the path God has laid out for me.
If God has designed this calling, then it is by His design that the calling will come forth. If I have my eyes on Him and keep my feet in His will, then when the purposes of Him come around, I'll be ready. I am designed, created by Him. This calling, He has designed, created for me. Therefore, only by His design will it come to pass and I will be on this ark navigating the floods.
So I pray for the rains to come. Let them come.
I've been reading Ecclesates... befuddled at the route that I need to take for my mission and frustrated about the disappointments I've recently faced. I continue to feel that God has me on a different path and continues to call me on a different route. Why? I don't know. How is it going to happen? I don't know. But I set forth accepting my I don't know because I know He does.
Then it dawned on me. I felt God cultivating a new stream of thoughts as I felt Him saying: "Who was Moses when I called Him? How about Jacob? Joseph? Noah?" I've never thought about that. Did Moses have experience leading the Israelites through an Exodus? Did Joseph have experience leading others through a famine? Did Noah have experience building an ark and leading through the floods? How could he? It never rained before.
It's hitting me as I type that experience is valid, but it's not everything. Obedience, faithfulness... those are everything. Diligence is key. When one is called to do something, God makes it happen. I don't know how, nor am I probably supposed to. When one is called out, they are called to do something different. They may not have all their ducks in a row. They may not even have ducks. But they do have something else that God wants to use to show His glory, His power and ultimately... His love.
So now what? The quote "Prepare for rain" comes to mind. "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, body and strength" also resonates.
"If our God is for us, who can be against us?" So true. But, I'm realistic... I'm human. I'm looking at all the teachers and filmmakers who have walked this path before and see the structure, the path to go on. I want to do as they did because I hear that is the way. Yet, I'm remind. That's their path. That's not mine.
How long am I going to have a similar attitude as Moses did and say things like: "God, but...? I can't speak, I can't this..." before He's going to have to get an Aaron for me to do the talking? I'm looking at all the others and their routes, but I should be looking at God and following His way.
Listening to other's instructions is absolutely important. It would not be wise for me to ignore all the advice, coaching and wisdom I've been blessed to receive. I'm thankful God gave me all of the lessons. I heed their wisdom and am so thankful for the investment of their time and energy. But, I feel that I must use their instruction differently and set out on the path God has laid out for me.
If God has designed this calling, then it is by His design that the calling will come forth. If I have my eyes on Him and keep my feet in His will, then when the purposes of Him come around, I'll be ready. I am designed, created by Him. This calling, He has designed, created for me. Therefore, only by His design will it come to pass and I will be on this ark navigating the floods.
So I pray for the rains to come. Let them come.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Day 5 v.2012
Isaiah 42:16: "I will make darkness light before them"
Isaiah 41:18: "I will make the wilderness a pool of water, and the dry land springs of water. I will plant in the wilderness the cedar and the acacia tree, The myrtle and the oil tree; I will set in the desert the cypress tree and the pine and the box tree together, that they may see and know, and consider and understand together, that the hand of the Lord has done this And the Holy One of Israel has created it."
I needed Isaiah this morning. I needed to hear that God will take darkness, my darkness and turn it into light.
There are times in all of our lives where life is muddy, murky, scary, unknown. Purpose seems distant. The joy of life has grown dim. The clouds of depression loom. It's the winter season in our lives.
Winter usually symbolizes a death... where the passing of the foliage, leaves and the outdoors sheds it's "skin" and lays dormant until the warmth of the sun invigorates the springtime. But not God's version of winter. Winter, to Him, is the cusp of renewal. It is the time of rerooting, removing the old and renovation.
I reflect on the "winter" seasons of my life. As cold and chilly and harsh winds that I've had, all I really remember is the feeling of the warmth of renewal. Just as a little seedling nestles into the ground to brave the rough, blistery cold, I sense that. I remember myself taking shelter from the storms around me; trying to find hope somewhere. I re-rooted myself in His word, evaluated things I could change and replaced old things with new. But, above all, I simply remember the feelings of the warmth of a new dawn and the relaxation that spring would indeed come.
According to Webster, the word indeed means: "without question or in reality". So, without question, winter will turn into spring. Without question, God will take the brutal things we face and bring light out of them. Without question, things will warm up, turn around and become new.
So what do we do in the meantime? If we are that seedling, then we do what it does: grow roots. In dark times, plant yourself in God's word. Renew your mind and continue to grow, even though you feel like you are spinning your wheels and driving your head into a brick wall, over and over and over again.
Ask me how I know. I have dreams and hopes and aspirations. What's going on with them? Day 5 is a hard day because I feel like I'm in the winter. I'm a freelancer and I was hoping to be the financial provider while my husband is in school. Not happening like I thought. Questions loom and my only answer is "I don't know." I'm suffocated by my own inabilities, weaknesses, fears, doubts and anything else that alludes a negative edge to my persona. I have this dream of my screenplay helping to change lives and the only thing stopping me is God's call for me to wait on the money. I've searched high and low for it and it seems to be nowhere. Attempt after attempt to get a lot of involvement seems as fruitful as trying to jump start a low battery. I'm trying to get my house in order and as soon as I unload another box and I'm exhausted that there is always one more around the blasted corner.
What is the deal? Is life just life-zapping, miserable and bleak? Yes. And it's called "winter". Winters can be long. They can be short. But, they are a period of time and a matter of perspective. There is a spring that is around the corner. That's a fact. After winter, there is spring. I don't control the order of seasons. That is placed for us. Thank goodness . Because I need spring to come. Don't you?
As much as I'd like to wallow in my overcast perspective, I have a little candle that still burns deep within and without fail, it ignites the "press on" switch. Maybe winter wouldn't be so dark if I wasn't looking at all the mud on my face and turned my vision to Christ; the One who makes all things new. Things aren't roses. But His word tells me that He will change this darkness into the light. So I do have hope. And you do too.
Maybe Day 6 will be better. Maybe not. But regardless of the weather outside or inside me, I still have God's word which promises that He will provide (Matt. 6). I still have His love, that nothing can or will take away. (Rom 8:38-39). I still may I have the "I don't know" answer to everything that presses in right now. But I know the One who does.
So, I'll ask for His wisdom to figure it out. I'll shove all of my inabilities, doubts, fears, everything into a box and slide it over to Him and say "take it." I can't carry this. But He can. I'll turn my eyes away from all the questions that loom and put in front of me "He turns darkness into light". And I'll accept the "I don't know". It's not so scary when you know the One who does, because He is carrying you through. Sometimes I don't feel Him carrying me. I don't see it. I may doubt it. But He is there. And the spring will indeed come.
Isaiah 41:18: "I will make the wilderness a pool of water, and the dry land springs of water. I will plant in the wilderness the cedar and the acacia tree, The myrtle and the oil tree; I will set in the desert the cypress tree and the pine and the box tree together, that they may see and know, and consider and understand together, that the hand of the Lord has done this And the Holy One of Israel has created it."
I needed Isaiah this morning. I needed to hear that God will take darkness, my darkness and turn it into light.
There are times in all of our lives where life is muddy, murky, scary, unknown. Purpose seems distant. The joy of life has grown dim. The clouds of depression loom. It's the winter season in our lives.
Winter usually symbolizes a death... where the passing of the foliage, leaves and the outdoors sheds it's "skin" and lays dormant until the warmth of the sun invigorates the springtime. But not God's version of winter. Winter, to Him, is the cusp of renewal. It is the time of rerooting, removing the old and renovation.
I reflect on the "winter" seasons of my life. As cold and chilly and harsh winds that I've had, all I really remember is the feeling of the warmth of renewal. Just as a little seedling nestles into the ground to brave the rough, blistery cold, I sense that. I remember myself taking shelter from the storms around me; trying to find hope somewhere. I re-rooted myself in His word, evaluated things I could change and replaced old things with new. But, above all, I simply remember the feelings of the warmth of a new dawn and the relaxation that spring would indeed come.
According to Webster, the word indeed means: "without question or in reality". So, without question, winter will turn into spring. Without question, God will take the brutal things we face and bring light out of them. Without question, things will warm up, turn around and become new.
So what do we do in the meantime? If we are that seedling, then we do what it does: grow roots. In dark times, plant yourself in God's word. Renew your mind and continue to grow, even though you feel like you are spinning your wheels and driving your head into a brick wall, over and over and over again.
Ask me how I know. I have dreams and hopes and aspirations. What's going on with them? Day 5 is a hard day because I feel like I'm in the winter. I'm a freelancer and I was hoping to be the financial provider while my husband is in school. Not happening like I thought. Questions loom and my only answer is "I don't know." I'm suffocated by my own inabilities, weaknesses, fears, doubts and anything else that alludes a negative edge to my persona. I have this dream of my screenplay helping to change lives and the only thing stopping me is God's call for me to wait on the money. I've searched high and low for it and it seems to be nowhere. Attempt after attempt to get a lot of involvement seems as fruitful as trying to jump start a low battery. I'm trying to get my house in order and as soon as I unload another box and I'm exhausted that there is always one more around the blasted corner.
What is the deal? Is life just life-zapping, miserable and bleak? Yes. And it's called "winter". Winters can be long. They can be short. But, they are a period of time and a matter of perspective. There is a spring that is around the corner. That's a fact. After winter, there is spring. I don't control the order of seasons. That is placed for us. Thank goodness . Because I need spring to come. Don't you?
As much as I'd like to wallow in my overcast perspective, I have a little candle that still burns deep within and without fail, it ignites the "press on" switch. Maybe winter wouldn't be so dark if I wasn't looking at all the mud on my face and turned my vision to Christ; the One who makes all things new. Things aren't roses. But His word tells me that He will change this darkness into the light. So I do have hope. And you do too.
Maybe Day 6 will be better. Maybe not. But regardless of the weather outside or inside me, I still have God's word which promises that He will provide (Matt. 6). I still have His love, that nothing can or will take away. (Rom 8:38-39). I still may I have the "I don't know" answer to everything that presses in right now. But I know the One who does.
So, I'll ask for His wisdom to figure it out. I'll shove all of my inabilities, doubts, fears, everything into a box and slide it over to Him and say "take it." I can't carry this. But He can. I'll turn my eyes away from all the questions that loom and put in front of me "He turns darkness into light". And I'll accept the "I don't know". It's not so scary when you know the One who does, because He is carrying you through. Sometimes I don't feel Him carrying me. I don't see it. I may doubt it. But He is there. And the spring will indeed come.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)